I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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