i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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