Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
this boner is exhausting
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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