I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
