Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
