I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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