Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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