3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize