I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
