And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
