I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
