plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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