My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
