You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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