Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
