I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
