You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
