The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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