i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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