dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize