Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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