my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
