if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
