Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
