I'm so fucking centered right now
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
