Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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