Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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