My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
