so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
