is your mom at the bar?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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