everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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