My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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