The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize