i think i have two assholes
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
