shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
