can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
