When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
