Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
