Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
