We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
