Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
