And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
