So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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