Is it because I queefed?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
