where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
