And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
