Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
