I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
