I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
