My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
