I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
