I cannot find my penis.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
