When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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