the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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