once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
