I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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